How to Make a Repair

How To Make A Repair

It's important to send a clear signal to repair when you've had a fight.

Why? Well, if you learn to repair your relationship quickly you'll be healthier, plain and simple, and so will you relationship.

Smiling is a easy, painless and fast way to get your relationship back on track so you can resolve what the distress was about in the first place.

If you don't learn to repair your relationship quickly and you leave your relationship in distress it's not only bad for your relationship; it's not good for you.

Making repair right away will bring your physical, emotional, social and mental systems back to balance - a place that says -

"it's going to be okay." Balance is soothing and comforting.

When scientists research distress, especially relationship distress, they find it is a huge tax to our system.

When there's a wall of distress or tension between us and our partner it makes all of life more difficult. Then tension makes it hard to sleep, messes up our appetite (tense tummy means eating more or having no appetite at all), makes it very hard to focus and we become generally irritable.

We can try to put it on the back burner, get our mind off of it, be busy and distracted, but the tension just runs in the back ground.

It's been proven that we have a basic need to be in a safe space with our partner. It's foundational. It makes all of the rest of life's stressors more manageable.

The reason smiling works is because it's an inside out and outside in technique. It works both to help you and your relationship get back to balanced. Smiling has an immediate effect. Creating the conscious movement of those particular muscles alerts your whole system that things are changing. It's an opposite movement to the automatic way your energy and information flow during distress.

Smiling tells the body that things are actually going to be okay and starts slowing the release of stress hormones. This slowing starts to give you mental and emotional space to find other reasons (information) that support the new stance that the fight/danger is over.

The smile starts to send that information outwardly as well. It sends a different signal to your partner. A signal that says, 'we're not really at war, we may be in a skirmish but I've put away the nuclear weapons' and 'I still see you as someone I love.'

Here are the 5 steps to take to use a smile to make start the repair you both need.

1. Move the muscles. Smile. You're not giving up by repairing, you're getting! Get the action started.

2. Remember. Remember he's a good guy and you love him. You love him for a reason, even though you've had a misunderstanding or he did something really stupid.

3. Look. Look at him - to see him. What's he doing, really? If he's walled up, sulky and distant it's because he hurts too. If you didn't matter to him this argument wouldn't matter and there wouldn't be tension between you. It's probably opposite of how it looks on the surface.

4. Let him see your smile. This sends a clear message of peace. It's the white flag of surrendering to your love. It lets him know

you want him and you want the repair.

5. From this more calm and together place you can start the conversation and problem solving you needed in the first place.

Now that you know what to do to send a clear signal to repair, here's what you need to do right now, even if you not be in distress this moment. You need to practice to make sure you know how take these steps when you really need to.

So try it right now.

First do a full, big smile. Lift the corners of your mouth, open your lips, and scan inside to feel the shift.

Then, let the big smile relax. The corners of your mouth start to come down, lips drop together and put more emphasis on what's happening inwardly.

As you do that, feel the warmth in your chest,and notice how your shoulders start to drop. You may feel the urge to take a deep breath.

See, you just made the shift from the outward smile to the inner smile.

From here you can help those around you respond with more connection to you so you can problem solve together.

First we make repair and from a place of peace we can problem solve.

I hope you'll give it a try, and tell me how it worked for you.

In love and service,

Becca:-)

It's important to send a clear signal to repair when you've had a fight.

Why? Well, if you learn to repair your relationship quickly you'll be healthier, plain and simple, and so will you relationship.

Smiling is a easy, painless and fast way to get your relationship back on track so you can resolve what the distress was about in the first place.

If you don't learn to repair your relationship quickly and you leave your relationship in distress it's not only bad for your relationship; it's not good for you.

Making repair right away will bring your physical, emotional, social and mental systems back to balance - a place that says -

"it's going to be okay." Balance is soothing and comforting.

When scientists research distress, especially relationship distress, they find it is a huge tax to our system.

When there's a wall of distress or tension between us and our partner it makes all of life more difficult. The tension makes it hard to sleep, messes up our appetite (tense tummy means eating more or having no appetite at all), makes it very hard to focus and we become generally irritable.

We can try to put it on the back burner, get our mind off of it, be busy and distracted, but the tension just runs in the back ground.

It's been proven that we have a basic need to be in a safe space with our partner. It's foundational. It makes all of the rest of life's stressors more manageable.

The reason smiling works is because it's an inside out and outside in technique. It works both to help you and your relationship get back to balanced. Smiling has an immediate effect. Creating the conscious movement of those particular muscles alerts your whole system things are changing. It's an opposite movement to the automatic way your energy and information flow during distress.

Smiling tells the body that things are actually going to be okay and starts slowing the release of stress hormones. This slowing starts to give you mental and emotional space to find other reasons (information) that support the new stance that the fight/danger is over.

The smile starts to send that information outwardly as well. It sends a different signal to your partner. A signal that says, 'we're not really at war, we may be in a skirmish but I've put away the nuclear weapons' and 'I still see you as someone I love.'

Here are the 5 steps to take to use a smile to make start the repair you both need.

1. Move. Move the muscles. Smile. You're not giving up by repairing, you're getting! Get the action started.

2. Remember. Remember he's a good guy and you love him. You love him for a reason, even though you've had a misunderstanding or he did something really stupid.

3. Look. Look at him - to see him. What's he doing, really? If he's walled up, sulky and distant it's because he hurts too. If you didn't matter to him this argument wouldn't matter and there wouldn't be tension between you. It's probably opposite of how it looks on the surface.

4. Show. Let him see your smile. This sends a clear message of peace. It's the white flag of surrendering to your love. It lets him know you want him and you want the repair.

5. Talk. From this more calm and together place you can start the conversation and problem solving you needed in the first place.

Now that you know what to do to send a clear signal to repair, here's what you need to do right now, even if you're not in distress this moment. You need to practice to make sure you know how take these steps when you really need to.

So try it right now.

First do a full, big smile. As big as you can. Lift the corners of your mouth, open your lips, and scan inside to feel the shift.

Then, let the big smile relax. The corners of your mouth start to come down, lips drop together and put more emphasis on what's happening inwardly.

As you do that, feel the warmth in your chest, and notice how your shoulders start to drop. You may feel the urge to take a deep breath.

See, you just made the shift from the outward smile to the inner smile.

From here you can help those around you respond with more connection to you so you can problem solve together.

First we make repair and from a place of peace we can problem solve.

I hope you'll give it a try, and tell me how it works for you.

In love and service,

Becca:-)

Love Science Helps Marriages

by REBECCA JORGENSEN[EDIT]

John Gottman’s research that tells us in distressed relationships both partners are trying to make repair with the other as much or more as in non-distressed relationships. Really? Yes, people are trying but the repair attempts are not accepted, or maybe the repair attempts just aren’t recognized.

As a field, couple’s therapy knows a lot more about love these days then we ever knew before.

There is a new science of love and knowing about it will keep you informed, help you with your own relationships or let you help someone you care about improve their relationship or save a family.

Why does this even matter? Because people who are happily married have:

• better health,
• less disease,
• improved emotional stability,
• happier children who learn better and out perform children of divorce across the board,
• feel better about themselves,
• are happier,
• earn more money
• and live longer!

As humans, we don’t attach, bond and create a family with the intention of breaking up. I’ve never met a couple yet who wanted their relationship to fail, and yes, sometimes divorce is the best of two bad choices. But there is a third option becoming reliably available for most distressed couples (more on this coming)…

What is this science of love?

It is a branch of couple therapy that has put together the puzzle of how to help couples create secure bonds and lasting happiness. This science provides knowledge about how to create security in the couple relationship. It’s becoming more well known among therapy professionals but the information isn’t widely known by the general population.

Couple distress is understandable these days! And, couple distress can be changed when even one member of the couple learns about the science of love.

You can learn about the science of love and how you can use this research based knowledge to help your relationship, or someone you care about.

We’ll keep exploring this science of love and facets to it on this blog. If you liked this, sign up for my eletter at http://www.livinginlove.us/

Here’s to a life of loving!

Becca:-)

The Science of Love: Free Online Seminar

I read recently a blog post entitled:Emotional Health – 3 signs it might be time to end your marriage. By Lisa Kift, MFT. Her signs were

1. Emotional distress with novalidation,

2. Erosion of trust with no attemptsto rebuild and

3. One or both of you havechanged significantly.

While at first glance this list seems reasonable what it fails to do is to take into account

John Gottman’s research that tells us in distressed relationships both people are
trying to make repair with the other as much or more as in non-distressed
relationships but the repair attempts are not accepted, or maybe the repair attempts
just aren’t recognized.

As a field, couple’s therapy knows a lot more about love these days then we
ever knew before. There is a new science of love and knowing about it will keep you informed,
help you with your own relationships or let you help someone you care about
improve their relationship or save a family.

Why does this even matter? Because people who are happily married have:

• better health,
• less disease,
• improved emotional stability,
• happier children who learn better and out perform children of divorce across the board,
• feel better about themselves,
• are happier,
• earn more money
• and live longer!

I’ve never met a couple yet who wanted their relationship to fail, and yes, sometimes
divorce is the best of two bad choices. But there is a third option becoming
reliably available for most distressed couples (more on this coming)…

As humans, we don’t attach, bond and create a family with the intention of breaking up.

What is this science of love?
It is a branch of couple therapy that has put together the puzzle of how to
help couples create secure bonds and lasting happiness. This science
provides knowledge about how to create security in the couple
relationship. It’s becoming more well known among therapy
professionals but the information isn’t widely known by the general
population. I want to share this knowledge with you.

Couple distress is understandable these days! And, couple distress
can be changed when even one member of the couple learns about
the science of love.

That’s why I’m offering a free online Love Seminar next week.
So, you can learn about the science of love and how you can use this
research based knowledge to help your relationship, or someone you care about.

For information about this Love Seminar go to Living In Love.us/free-stuff

I look forward to talking to you soon.

Here’s to a life of loving!

Becca:-)