Drawing together when pornography threatens to tear your marriage apart.

By Mark Chamberlain and Rebecca Jorgensen

Ben saw that Kristy's eyes were red the moment he arrived home from work. He asked what was wrong. Her response was terse: “We'll talk after the kids are in bed.” Later, as she tried to choke back fresh tears, Kristy handed Ben a stack of papers. A list of hundreds of websites he'd visited and topics he'd searched for. Evidence that Ben had a serious pornography problem. “I've been faithful to you our entire marriage and thought only about sex with you. I've always assumed the same was true for you, that you loved me the same way!”

Ben felt like his heart was going to break. How could he have done this to his wife? Then he felt panicky. What if this ruined their relationship? He just had to convince her that her fears about what this all meant were not justified. He tried to reassure her that he loved her genuinely and deeply. He explained that he was frequently tempted to view pornography, but not because he wanted sex with other women. Not because he desired the women in the pictures more than he desired her. Facing this crisis, Ben knew that he absolutely had to do what he'd been trying to do for years: finally give up pornography. He vowed to Kristy that he would never view it again.

Throughout the next month, Kristy felt like the ache in her heart wouldn't go away. Even worse, she felt alone with her hurt and feared that Ben didn't really care about her. She tried to convey to Ben how devastating his pornography habit was to her. How doubtful she had become about her attractiveness to him. How unsure she'd become of herself and of their relationship, and the way this had all turned her once-secure world upside-down. Her fear also led her to watch Ben's every move and question his activities. Ben, in turn, tried to reassure her that he was still the same man she'd fallen in love with, that all of the good things she “thought” she'd experienced throughout the years were real. He felt constantly horrible for his behavior and wondered, “What's the matter with me?” When Kristy asked him questions the awful shame of what he'd done stirred inside. He wanted to get her far away from his bad memories so she wouldn't feel the way about him that he felt about himself. He really didn't know how to talk to her; the feelings were so raw he just froze inside.

Ben and Kristy both continued in earnest to try in their own way to make things better , but it seemed things only got worse. By the time they came in for counseling, what had begun as a serious crisis was now threatening to destroy their entire relationship. They had separated, and Kristy was considering filing for divorce. Ben felt like he was walking on eggshells and could no longer do anything right in Kristy's eyes. Kristy felt like Ben didn't understand her pain—and worse, didn't want to.

Kristy and Ben are like so many couples who come to see us. The men are sincerely trying to overcome their pornography habits. Even more desperately, they want to save their marriages. In an attempt to get things back on track, a husband typically:

· Tries to calm his wife's fears by explaining to her his true feelings in an overall picture

· Focuses their conversations on other topics that are less painful to her

· Hopes she'll be reassured by all of his efforts to change and do better

Wives are just as intent on salvaging their relationships. In an effort to do just that, quite often a wife will:

· Express her heartache and fears, in hopes that he'll understand how devastating this problem has been to her

· Initiate discussions about the problem, its evolution, and the aspects and events that she still doesn't understand

· Seek reassurance that he loves her and finds her attractive

Unfortunately, one partner's attempts to make things better may be at odds with the other's sense of where things need to go. As a result, husbands and wives can end up putting all their effort into cross-purposes. For instance, let's say she's hoping they'll get to the point where they can talk openly about the problem, while he really wants to get to the point where they've moved past it. To him, her efforts seem counterproductive, and vice versa. As she becomes more adamant about the need to talk, he tries to avoid the topic more. Rather than feeling understood, she feels dismissed. She concludes that he doesn't take the problem seriously enough. She wonders if his past behavior has deadened his conscience and impaired his capacity to empathize with her pain. He fears that she's becoming obsessed about the problem. He feels that he is now fighting this by himself because it’s “his problem,” and he wonders if he'll ever be able to redeem himself in her eyes.

Although couples in this situation might start out frustrated and upset, over time they can learn to work together to resolve even thorny problems like a husband's pornography habit. They can begin to see that their spouse is just trying to do for the relationship what they think it needs most, escalating their efforts when they feel stymied. As couples come to understand each other more fully, they can ease away from familiar, unproductive automatic responses. Each becomes more able to recognize what the other genuinely wants and needs, and more able to provide it.

Here are some of the shifts we've seen that seem to help couples work more productively together:

· The husband comes to understand that it's a good thing his wife keeps coming to him with her hurt. It's a great sign that instinctively she regards him as the one who can help her feel better about it. As we're fond of saying, “If your wife comes to you, it's because she intuitively trusts that you and only you can help her heal—not a family member, friend, or another man. It's you she wants to share with and feel validation from.”

· He comes to see that it's more important to be with her in pain than to try to make it go away. Being together in the pain is what helps it heal.

· Both husband and wife come to understand that the worst part for her may not be the pain of what he's done, but the feeling that she's facing her pain alone because he's not connecting deeply with her when she tries to convey it.

· She realizes that he may have been avoiding the topic precisely because it hurts him so badly to see her hurt. It is difficult for him to face her pain head on.

· She comes to understand that he feels like he doesn't measure up, he may feel unworthy to comfort her, and he fears her rejection. He may have been hoping that if he gave her space, honored her in other ways, and focused on the good things they shared, she might stop focusing on this heart-wrenching topic and feel better about the relationship. This may be his way of trying to help heal her pain.

· He learns to trust that honesty, including emotional honesty, throughout recovery is more important even than avoiding pornography—not to minimize how crucial that is. The more honest and open he becomes, the more included she feels. As she feels more included, his pornography problem is no longer a part of his life she is left out of. They become a team fighting together against the habit, rather than letting the pornography come between them.

· He comes to treat her as a resource in his recovery. She can help him understand the emotions and needs that previously have built up and were released in pornography use.

· She discovers that although sex becomes the focus when he's tempted, most of his everyday needs are emotional in nature. Thus she begins to feel less threatened, and rather than viewing him as an enemy or “pervert” she can't relate to, she sees him as an ally.

In counseling Ben learned to relax and take a few deep breaths when temptation hit instead of bracing against it or trying to fight it. He learned to use the temptation as a flag that he was stressed and needed to talk to someone or do something to reduce his stress. Solving the problem of how to manage his stress became something to focus on besides sexual thoughts and urges. At the same time he started counseling, Ben began attending the Sexaholics Anonymous meetings that were held once a week at a church near his office. He started to admit that he had been powerless to resolve his addiction on his own. At first it felt foreign to him to “surrender” and rely on God’s help; he had always seen this problem as one he had to conquer on his own or push through. Over time, he experienced a growing sense of strength and peace when he turned to God. He began to feel spiritually strengthened and accepted, even in the midst of his struggle, and Ben went more often to God more in times of need.

In the 12-step group meetings, Ben heard other attendees talk about the importance of “rigorous honesty.” He remembered how distraught Kristy had been when she talked about feeling he had violated her trust. He knew that his secrecy had been a big part of not only her trust, but his problem. Ben resolved to be completely honest with Kristy about his struggles and feelings from then on.

Now that the problem was out in the open and he and Kristy were working together on it, Ben experienced fewer cravings than he had before. As time wore on, however, the old urges to view pornography started to hit him again. On tough days, he'd let Kristy know about it. Although she appreciated his openness, she was concerned that he was struggling.

During one counseling session, it was apparent there was unresolved tension between them. “I told her I was struggling,” Ben said. “She asked for more information. I wasn't sure whether or not I should tell her. I knew it might hurt her if I told the truth.” In an effort to be rigorously honest, he told her that, while driving around in his van for work that afternoon, he had stopped at a traffic light. A black convertible pulled up next to him with an attractive woman at the wheel. “I hate to admit it, but I started to fantasize about her. I told Kristy about it. She was upset. Then she wanted to know more about the fantasy, but it was just a brief lapse, a wandering of my mind. It wasn't that detailed. But Kristy assumed I wouldn't tell her more because she was upset. She thought I was holding back. I tried to think back and see if any other thoughts had come into my mind. But then my mind was on that topic again, thinking sexual thoughts about a strange woman. I told Kristy that I didn't think it was good for us to dwell on it.”

“He told me it wasn't a good idea for him to dwell on it,” Kristy said. “Of course it isn't. That's exactly why I'm so frustrated with him. Why does he keep doing it?”

Many things can trigger unwanted sexual thoughts in someone who has a history of sexually acting out. Stress, feeling isolated, visual cues and even boredom are common triggers from unmet needs of emotional connection, safety and engagement. Sexual thoughts are like a lightning rod. They can draw all of our energy and attention. They are a powerful symptom of an inner struggle. However, when we dwell on the symptom we can miss the cause and more importantly, the cure. Being honest about having sexual thoughts is one part of honesty, but it's not the biggest part, nor the most important. The most important part is the unmet needs. Unmet needs create vulnerable emotions and convert to emotions that drive acting out. If we are to change, to not only stop acting out but to stop desiring to act out we must look to the cause, not try to suppress the symptoms.

We encourage clients like Ben to pay attention inwardly, to be on the lookout for other feelings and needs that might be in play when sexual urges hit. If he feels lonely because he's out driving on his own all day, it might be a relief to think about sex instead. However, those sexual thoughts are obscuring something much more important. He needs to be honest with himself, rigorously honest, by acknowledging the loneliness. The sexual thoughts are closer to the surface. It's easier—and may seem manlier—to feel sexually interested or aroused. It's more difficult to admit more vulnerable feelings and softer inner experiences. He needs to start by being honest with himself about what he's feeling before he can be deeply honest with his wife.

The next time Ben told Kristy he had been tempted that day, she saw the usual bait, but she didn't take it. Instead of asking about the content of his tempting thoughts, she was more interested in what, in particular, had happened that day to make him vulnerable. “What had your day been like up to that point?” She asked. “Kind of a drag, I guess,” Ben responded. “What was going on inside for you?” Kristy asked. Ben pondered her question and thought back. He couldn't put his finger on anything. Still, that brief discussion helped him to feel hopeful and cared about and to be on the lookout the next time temptation hit.

He was in a more curious frame of mind a few days later when illicit thoughts kept popping into his mind. “Sex is the most attention-grabbing feeling, but what else is going on for me?” he wondered. “I'm driving around replacing copier toner cartridges, and it's boring. I know that's part of it. It's hard to see people driving around in nice cars. I go into offices with all of these sharp professionals. Am I envious? Seems like they have important things to do and places to be. Do I feel less important than them? Sometimes I wish I'd stayed in school and earned my degree. I don't feel like I'm living up to my potential.” Ben's forehead was getting warm and there was a lump in his throat. “I worry that other people look down on me. I guess that's why it's nice when women find me attractive. It makes me feel like I still have it. Like I'm worth paying attention to. That I'm admired and important, like I have something to offer.”

Ben knew immediately that it would be much tougher to be honest with Kristy about these feelings. After the kids were down that night, he talked to her about what he had felt that afternoon. As he did, the feelings came back. Sitting on the side of the bed, he looked down at the floor as he shared his self-doubts. “Part of it is that you were with your old boyfriend for three and a half years before we got together. His business is thriving now.” Ben's throat almost wouldn't let the next words out: “Do you ever regret marrying me, with all the financial struggles we've had?”

Kristy looked Ben in the eye. “The financial struggles have been the easiest part,” she said. They both laughed. It felt good to both of them to laugh together, with how painful things had been. “None of our struggles have ever made me sorry I chose you. I watch you in the backyard kicking the ball with Trevor. I see you wrestling with Isaac. Little Crystal just can't help herself from jumping into the melee. I'd never trade you in and take a chance on my kids having a different father.” Kristy thought for a few moments. “Even the hard stuff we've done together. We're spending our Saturday afternoons fixing the flood damage in the basement because we can't afford to hire it out. Listening to the oldies station and CDs no one else would like but us. The funny thing is, that time together is precious to me. It's just the two of us working. I wouldn't have it any other way. I cherish all my memories of times like that with you.” Ben felt as if she was looking straight into his soul now. “I love you, Ben. I love that you're willing to work so hard doing stuff you don't really like to support our family. I don't want any other man. I want you. Which is why it hurts when I'm afraid that you don't desire me. When I worry about your attractions to other women or sense you're hiding something I feel so unsure, and I want so badly to know I can trust you and feel secure in your love.”

“Look what I've done to you,” Ben said. Looking into his eyes, Kristy knew that he had really heard her, was genuinely seeing how much she had been hurting. “I don't want to minimize my sexual problems,” Ben said, “because I know they've fueled your insecurity. But I do want you to know that my struggles are my struggles, they have nothing to do with your attractiveness or desirability. Everything I've done so far in my recovery, and everything I'll do in the future, I'm doing because I want to be—I want to become—the kind of man you can count on. That you can put all your trust in. That is who I want to be. I know these are just words, but I'm going to keep doing whatever I need to do for the rest of my life to show you that I mean what I'm saying.”

These types of heart to heart discussions continued to happen with Ben and Kristy. They not only helped their relationship recover but they helped Ben overcome his old pattern. It takes a while for most couples to learn to communicate about their deeper feelings and ask their needs to be met the way Kristy and Ben did. Each partner's history and insecurities create an entire minefield of other less helpful reactions that can be set off along the way. As couples keep trying however, the understanding they develop can change everything. Each is more likely to see the other's deepest, once-obscured needs and become more able to help meet them. As understanding and communication deepen, distress lessens and tensions diffuse. A wife finds it easier to relate to and identify with a husband when he talks about the quieter, more genuine aspects of what's going on inside him. This type of sharing from him draws her closer and creates an atmosphere of acceptance. As they share their soft emotions, the wife may stop wondering, “What kind of man did I marry?” and instead think, “I’m sure glad I married this guy.”

Recently, a new client expressed his determination to conquer his pornography habit without involving others. He was reluctant to reach out to anyone he knew for support because he was afraid he'd be rejected if he opened up. He might see people he knew if he attended a support group. His wife might not be able to handle knowing about his problem. “I'll do it on my own, I’m independent, and I don’t really need anyone.” We talked of Ben and Kristy, and the healing that is possible when couples draw together instead of remaining like islands, apart. What’s true is that we are made to attach and feel safe and secure with someone special. Our significant other has great influence to help. We all need belonging, emotional connection and safety. We each need to give, receive, and learn to have safe, connected relationships.

We know pornography can ignite. It can tear couples apart. Or, if both partners are willing, the struggle can be used as an opportunity to draw together, becoming stronger and more united. After all, we are stronger together.

"What's that? Dive buddy." Tips for Relationships

August took me to the Great Barrier Reef. A once in a lifetime opportunity not to be missed. I mean, if you’re going to be in Australia and you’re already a certified diver you just can’t miss the Great Barrier Reef. So, I got onto the dive boat with a dive tour and was taken out to some of the most fantastic dives in the world. However, the real story, for the sake of this news letter, is the first dive briefing and skill review.

Partner up. That’s the first rule of diving. Have a dive buddy. Once your dive buddy is determined the next critical part of the briefing is a review of dive hand symbols. Communication under water is very limited. Your nose and eyes are masked and you r mouth is filled with a breathing apparatus. You can make sounds however they don’t project so it’s a futile effort, unless all you want to do is hum to yourself. The best alternative to communication is relying on divers hand symbols.

There are universal dive hand symbols. They are used for the necessary basics to both ask and respond to issues of direction, wellness, enjoyment and need. “I’m okay”, “I’m not okay,” “going up,” “going down”, “look at that!” “I have ____ pounds of air.” and a few you don’t really want to use, “I’m in trouble,” “distressed,” “come pick me up” and “I’m out of air.” Basic and necessary—life protecting and life saving. The signals themselves are simple, clear and easy to understand, obvious really.
On the first dive we went out with an instructor to have a skills check. We had all taken scuba certification courses and had many dives under our belt, but better safe than sorry. A skill check is, while redundant, appreciated. One of the skill checks is practicing giving air to your buddy. Hand signals are used to cue the need for air and the life saving response—taking a breath and handing over the mouth piece, then putting in your own spare mouth piece and resume breathing.

Getting under the water to join the group for the skills check was difficult for me. I hadn’t been diving in over a year. The jump off point into the water was over the water like a mid height diving board, much higher than I was used to, and the surf was rough, rolling and high. Scared, I reverted to the low platform to inch my way in down a ladder. It was my first cold water, ocean dive. Once in, I realized my weights weren’t right, more had to be added (all while in the water and fighting the rough surf) so achieving buoyancy fatigued me. I also had been worrying a bit about the sinus infection I was just recovering from, “was I really well enough to dive?” Then I watched as one man from our group panicked and had to be escorted out of the water. By the time I got under water my breathing was labored and rather than feeling the soothing comfort diving typically brings me I felt nervous and unsure of myself. Still, I relied on my former positive experience and usual comfort in the water and expected things would get better with more underwater time.

We went 20 feet underwater, breathing air from our tanks and gathered in a circle for the underwater skill review. I was doing okay, and starting to feel more comfortable. Then the “I’m out of air” signal came to me. I froze. I was confused. I knew that signal, before, but my mind went blank. I wasn’t sure how to respond. I floated there, staring straight at my buddy completely nonresponsive. On the inside though a million questions and possibilities ran though my mind, so many it felt like a mental log jam of sorts. Being quick thinking, and “needing” air my buddy reached out and helped me respond, took what was needed and then directed me on what to do next. With the pressure off and having had a reassuring contact, it dawned on me what I was suppose to be doing and what had gone wrong. The hand signal, it had confused me. I didn’t understand it in a situation of high stress. I was embarrassed and felt guilty, and then questioned my own ability to assist my buddy in the future if there was a real need to share air. Fortunately, it was practice. Air got shared and the dive went on. I couldn’t spend much time with those feelings of inadequacy and humiliation. Later though, I wondered, what happened?

I realized I have a hand signal barrier or sensitivity. When I was growing up I learned American Sign Language (ASL), I used it fluently and later professionally. I relied on it in both social and professional settings. What happened to me on the dive was under stress I reverted instantly back to my ASL knowledge bank to achieve understanding. That’s where I have the most experience with hand signals. However, the diver’s hand signal and ASL are two very different things—they just don’t translate. What happened in my brain was a sort of overload. The diver signal didn’t compute. “I’m out of air and I need some quick” in ASL looks nothing like the diver hand signal for that same thing. This was an important realization for me and good information for anyone who dives with me to have —I really need to continually review the distressed divers hand signals in as close to a real time situation as possible to avoid freezing on the spot.

Married couples are so much like dive buddies. We need a partner to be safe, sustained, to share the beauties and adventure with, to offset life risk and to rely on. We have to be able to send and receive clear, understandable signals, especially in times of need.

We need to be securely bonded. I’ve mentioned the basic emotional needs we have with a partner, calling them the ABC’S of attachment. A—Acceptance. B—Belonging. C—Comfort and S– Safety. To have a secure bond develop its helpful to be able to share our needs and longings, to both give and receive these attachment needs with our partner. We need to send and receive clear and understandable signals. Here are a few questions to ask yourself, or to discuss with your partner, to help you create more emotional closeness in your relationship.

Do your signals for need overwhelm your partner and trigger a freeze response in them?

Do you become stressed, worried, or mad if your partner doesn’t seem to ‘be there’ or respond to you in a way that assures you that you matter?

Are you the partner (like me with my dive buddy) who feels horrible, realizing that you don’t know how to respond? Perhaps you’re not sure what you’re partner needs nor are you sure if you’re able to give them what they need when they need it?

Do you have sensitivities from your past that make either sending or receiving a clear message of need difficult?

Once you answer these questions to yourself, ask your partner how they experience you, or let your partner know what you’ve determined. Be sure when you talk that you send a clear message—if you’re afraid of sharing, let your partner know even that. Let your tone convey your true feelings, not the anger, defensiveness or resentment that can often hide the vulnerable feelings underneath (fear, inadequacy, quilt...etc.).

Communicating a clear emotional message that your partner can respond to about your need to be cared for and matter always comes from a soft and vulnerable place.

Remember, we need to be securely bonded. When it comes to the ABC’S (acceptance, belonging, comfort and safety) of attachment we have to let our partner know how we truly feel—deep down—from our soft place, our heart.

That’s all for now—and happy diving!

Love Questions?
Call (619) 694-6433 or Email: dr.rebecca.jorgensen@gmail.com



To learn more about the principles this newsletter is based on read Hold Me Tight: Seven Conservations for A Lifetime of Love or follow the work of Dr. Susan Johnson and the International Centre for Excellence in Emotionally Focused Therapy.

What's that you say, Dive Buddy?

August took me to the Great Barrier Reef. A once in a lifetime opportunity not to be missed. I mean, if you’re going to be in Australia and you’re already a certified diver you just can’t miss the Great Barrier Reef. So, I got onto the dive boat with a dive tour and was taken out to some of the most fantastic dives in the world. However, the real story, for the sake of this news letter, is the first dive briefing and skill review.

Partner up. That’s the first rule of diving. Have a dive buddy. Once your dive buddy is determined the next critical part of the briefing is a review of dive hand symbols.

Communication under water is very limited. Your nose and eyes are masked and you r mouth is filled with a breathing apparatus. You can make sounds however they don’t project so it’s a futile effort, unless all you want to do is hum to yourself. The best alternative to communication is relying on divers hand symbols.

There are universal dive hand symbols. They are used for the necessary basics to both ask and respond to issues of direction, wellness, enjoyment and need. “I’m okay”, “I’m not okay,” “going up,” “going down”, “look at that!” “I have ____ pounds of air.” and a few you don’t really want to use, “I’m in trouble,” “distressed, come pick me up” and “I’m out of air.” Basic and necessary—life protecting and life saving. The signals themselves are simple, clear and easy to understand, obvious really.

On the first dive out we went with an instructor to have a skills check. We had all taken scuba certification courses and had many dives under our belt, but better safe than sorry. A skill check is, while redundant, appreciated. One of the skill checks is practicing giving air to your buddy. Hand signals are used to cue the need for air and the life saving response—taking a breath and handing over the mouth piece, then putting in your own spare mouth piece and resume breathing.

Getting under the water to join the group for the skills check was difficult for me. I hadn’t been diving in over a year. The jump off point into the water was much higher than I was used to and the surf was rough and high. Scared, I reverted to the low platform to inch my way in. It was my first cold-water, ocean dive. Once in, I realized my weights weren’t right, more had to be added (all while in the water and fighting the rough surf) so achieving buoyancy fatigued me. I also had been worrying a bit about the sinus infection I was just recovering from, “was I really well enough to dive?” Then I watched as one man from our group panicked and had to be escorted out of the water. By the time I got under water my breathing was labored and rather than feeling the soothing comfort diving typically brings me I felt nervous and unsure of myself. Still, I relied on my former positive experience and usual comfort in the water and expected things would get better with more underwater time.

We went 20 feet under-water, breathing air from our tanks and gathered in a circle for the underwater skill review. I was doing okay, and starting to feel more comfortable. Then the “I’m out of air” signal came to me. I froze. I was confused. I knew that signal, before, but my mind went blank. I wasn’t sure how to respond. I floated there, staring straight at my buddy completely non-responsive. On the inside though a million questions and possibilities ran though my mind, so many it felt like a mental log jam of sorts. Being quick thinking, and “needing” air my buddy reached out and helped me respond, took what was needed and then directed me on what to do next. With the pressure off and having had a reassuring contact, it dawned on me what I was suppose to be doing and what had gone wrong. The hand signal, it had confused me. I didn’t understand it in a situation of high stress. I was embarrassed and felt guilty, and then questioned my own ability to assist my buddy in the future if there was a real need to share air. Fortunately, it was practice. Air got shared and the dive went on. I couldn’t spend much time with those feelings of inadequacy and humiliation. Later though, I wondered, what happened?

I realized I have a hand signal language barrier. When I was growing up I learned American Sign Language (ASL), I used it fluently and later professionally. I relied on it in both social and professional settings. What happened to me on the dive was under stress I reverted instantly back to my ASL knowledge bank to achieve understanding. That’s where I have the most experience with hand signals. However, the diver’s hand signal and ASL are two very different things—they just don’t translate. What happened in my brain was a sort of overload. The diver signal didn’t compute. “I’m out of air and I need some quick” in ASL looks nothing like the diver hand signal for that same thing. This was an important realization for me and good information for anyone who dives with me to have —I really need to continually review the distressed divers hand signals in as close to a real-time situation as possible to avoid freezing on the spot.

Married couples are so much like dive buddies. We need a partner to be safe, sustained, to share the beauties and adventure with, to offset life risk and to rely on. We have to be able to send and receive clear, understandable signals, especially in times of need.

We need to be securely bonded. I’ve mentioned the basic emotional needs we have with a partner, calling them the ABC’S of attachment. A—Acceptance. B—Belonging. C—Comfort and S– Safety. To have a secure bond develop its helpful to be able to share our needs and longings, to both give and receive these attachment needs with our partner. We need to send and receive clear and understandable signals.

Here are a few questions to ask yourself, or to discuss with your partner, to help you create more emotional closeness and your relationship.

Do your signals for need overwhelm your partner and trigger a freeze response in them?

Do you become stressed, worried, or mad if your partner doesn’t seem to ‘be there’ or
respond to you in a way that convinces you that you matter?

Are you the partner (like me with my dive buddy) who feels horrible, realizing that you don’t
know how to respond? Perhaps you’re not sure what you’re partner needs nor are you sure if
you’re able to give them what they need when they need it?

Once you answer these questions to yourself, ask your partner how they experience you, or let your partner know what you’ve determined. Be sure when you talk that you send a clear message—if you’re afraid of sharing, let your partner know that - even that can be a clear message. Let your tone convey your true feelings, not the anger, defensiveness or resentment you may feel on the surface.

Communicating a clear emotional message that your partner can respond to about caring and mattering. The true feeling related to our need to care and matter always comes from a soft and vulnerable place.

Remember, we need to be securely bonded. When it comes to the ABC’S (acceptance, belonging, comfort and safety) of attachment we have to let our partner know how we truly feel—deep down—from our soft place, our heart.

That's all for now—and happy diving!

ABC'S of Attachment: What we need from love relationships

We get into romantic relationships for lots of reasons, so we think. But really, we are made to attach. Attaching is "hard-wired" into us. We live, breathe, and attach. Most of us, for the most part, are social beings. If attaching is like breathing, hard wired in, then what do we need from it? From breathing we need oxygen. From attaching we need...well, let's discuss it for a minute.

John Bowlby, the brilliant attachment theorist, outline 10 central tenents of attachment (Johnson, 2004). These basic needs we long to have fulfilled by our primary attachment figures, or those we are in close relationships with, in order to form a secure attachment. A secure attachment equates to being healthier and happier. I've summarized Bowlby's 10 tenents into what I call the ABC'S of attachment.
A - acceptance
B - belonging
C - comfort
S - safety

Attachment is both emotional and physical bonding. To feel secure within ourselves and our relationships we need acceptance, belonging, comfort and safety. We need physical and emotional acceptance. Physical and emotional belonging. Physical and emotional comfort. And, physical and emotional safety.

Our world works better when these needs are met.

If you feel insecure, meaning you hide who you are or what you want from others, especially those close to you, then chances are strong one or more of your attachment needs are not being met.

To develop your sense of security try doing these things:

1. Review and evaluate yourself in relation to the ABC'S of attachment. Are your physcial and emotional needs met, if so how? Or, are your needs unmet?
2. List your unmet needs, your vulnerable feelings and beliefs associated with having unmet needs.
3. Find a way to share your feelings (fear, sadness, lonliness, less-than, etc.) and what you long for with the person who can help to calm or comfort the feelings created from your unmet needs.
4. Continue to work to share your soft feelings and let your partner care for and comfort you.

You will find as you share more of what you deeply feel and desire your partner is likely to respond to you in an effort to meet your needs. And, I hope, you will try to do the same for your partner.

If you need additional help you can contact an EFT therapist and/or try reading Sue Johnson's self-help book "Hold Me Tight: Seven Conservations for a Life Time of Love."

Look underneath your reactions to connect. Help Your Relationship Now

When we are irritated, frustrated, mad or just shut down and distant we don't help our relationships thrive. In fact, the opposite is true. Being irritated, frustrated, mad or shut down and distant damages our relationships.

There's tons of reasons why we feel things that get in the way of our relationships - at least tons of surface reasons. Like, maybe your partner came home late, or didn't pick-up after themselves. Those are examples of surface reasons. The real reason we get upset or distant with our partner is not because of the thing they did, or didn't do. The real reason is meaning we attach to what they did or didn't do.

In order to help our relationships grow, we need to go deeper and get past surface of things. We need to discover and share the meaning. But, how do we do that?

Here are a few techniques you can try:

1st - Look down under the upset feelings and find the meaning. Recall what your spouse did, or didn't do. In the instant you first felt upset, what had just happened? Then, ask yourself, "What did that mean to me?"

2nd - Find the primary feeling attached to that meaning.
When you can answer the question "what did that mean to me" then you're ready to find the primary feeling attached to that meaning. For example, let's say your partner came home late without calling and you got upset. Then you slowed yourself down and asked yourself what his/her coming home late meant to you. You figured out it meant that you were being disregarded. In that split second you determined you were not so important. The coming home late threatened your sense of mattering to your spouse. Now, you're ready to ask, what's the feeling associated with that threat (the threat of not mattering to your spouse)? Most likely it is fear (or some feeling on the fear/anxiety spectrum). Fear of not really mattering, or fear of being less important.

3rd - Once you know your deeper feeling - the fear of not being important - share that fear. Share it, even though it's a vulnerable feeling. It will probably feel risky to share your deeper feelings, they more vulnerable, and that's a sign you're on the right track!

Let me repeat this part. Once you know your upset really came from feeling worried that you're not as important to your partner as you'd like to be, then you might say something like, "honey, I'm sorry I got upset when you came home late. What really was happening is I was feeling scared that maybe I don't matter to you in the way I'd like to. I realized I got upset is because I'm afraid I'm not mattering to you as much as I'd like to, I really want to feel more important."

Sharing tender, vulnerable feelings in a soft manner is one way we can stay, or get, closely connected. Open hearts are much easier for our partners to connect to. So, the next time you get upset with your partner, stop and find out what's really going inside, then share it. You'll get reconnected and feel so much better after you do!

If you need professional help in learning how to do this - visit me by clicking here.

All Efforts Are Not Equal

What can we do to help our own relationship? I was asked this question recently.

Well, there's lot of things that can be done but some things are more effective and will have a faster and bigger pay-off than other things. Not all things you might do to improve your relationship are of equal value.

It may be easy for you to buy a gift, bring flowers, or make a special dinner. Those things can show your partner you are making an effort and that you're thinking of them. Making an effort and letting your partner know they are important to you and they are on your mind are good messages!

When couples get into a negative cycle there are specific needs that each partner has that aren't being met. Unmet needs lead to feeling insecure, unimportant or unheard. Doing things to meet your partners deepest needs will make more of an impact on changing your relationship than most anything else you can do. After all, that's what relationships are about, being there for each other.

So, what are some things that you might try to reach out and help your partner feel (to know it at the experience level) that you are trying to meet their needs?

If your spouse complains that it's like you're behind a wall, or they want more closeness from you then one thing you can do is work to COMFORT them. Let the complaint be a cue to you that your partner is lonely for you and wants you closer. It may not make sense to you that your partner feels unimportant or lonely underneath all that complaining and needs your comfort and reassurance because you probably experience the complaining as making it harder for you to be close. Still, give it try. One thing you can work on doing is learning how to comfort your partner - ask them what you could do that would be comforting, what it looks like, you might be pleasantly surprised how simple it can be.

If your spouse seems unreachable, like they are in their own world and you want to be a bigger part of that world stop complaining or nagging and start asking. Really work on being sure you ask kindly and directly. When you're worried you probably come across tense and critical when you don't even know you are. Susan Johnson (world acclaimed marital expert) said at a training event last week that when it comes to being successful in our most important attachment relationships we have to ask for what we want. She said "no askey askey, no gettie, gettie!" It make take a few weeks of asking kindly, without getting upset if your requests aren't filled right off, for your partner to trust that they aren't going to get an impatient (critical) response from you but if you stick with it you will be pleasantly surprised.

So, remember, let your partner know that you are trying and you want to please them, that you do want for both of you to be safe and happy together. Then try doing things that really matter!